I said, when they came to me, I would gather them, and share with all. Some of these are done by others, but mostly, I own these 'lessons'. And fuck it, something good has to come from them. At my age, I like to think I've gained some wisdom through my many, many mistakes. It could be a lie; it could be false, but I think it just the same.
At the very least, I no longer stick my hand on hot surfaces. Not intentionally, anyway.
With that in mind, lets go--->
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*If going Commando--you know who you are--always have one pair of emergency skivvies.
Now, I have a friend, and this friend swears that life isn't made for underwear. Who am I to argue?
This friend relayed to me a bad experience he had, as a result of his lifestyle choice. He said during his first year of 'freedom', he had his yearly work physical. Since he threw away all of his boxers, briefs and novelty jammies, he thought nothing of it, until the nurse told him to get down to his underwear, as she left the room. He says, this is when it dawned on him, what going Commando really meant.
He said he kind of freaked, because there is a rather large difference to standing in your underwear in front of the doctor, and standing there like a naked newborn. He stuck his head out of the door, and whispered to the nurse, in the sweetest voice he could muster, that he would need a gown. She smiled and got me the gown.
It was at this moment, the most obvious idea for a spare pair of underwear came to my friend. He loves the feeling, but he knows that white pants and shorts in thin material lacks a certain, um, subtlety.
He mentions that wearing traditional underwear now, feels like a prison sentence, prevents his legs from breathing, and bum-rushes his equipment. No Sir...he says. But now, he always has a 'brief brief' and a 'shadow boxer'. You just never know.
*Never ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless you are OVER a 100% sure she is, in fact, pregnant.
In a perfect world, a compliment becomes a compliment. Sorry our shitty luck, but that perfect world turned into a crazy drug trip, and the compliment became a heated insult. Somehow I naturally fall into situations like this. Trust me, she looked pregnant. She was young, and generally fit. Now she had a bulge. A real bulge.
Well, I couldn't ignore it. That would be rude. Now, I'm a nice guy, so I congratulated her on her "baby", saying how fast he was growing.
Uh, usually a compliment precedes a thank you, a blush, a denial. But, funny enough, she looked...pissed. An elevated PISSED. She walked past me and screamed in my face, "I'm not FUCKING PREGNANT!!"
At first I was a slight confused. Then I realized I told her that her stomach was as big as a growing baby. And that baby fat was simply, fat.
Let someone ELSE ask this question.
*Do not touch the DO NOT TOUCH button.
As men, many of us never lose the spirit of exploring. Who needs a map? We like to push the boundaries a little; perhaps a lot. The thing is, it IS tough not to touch this button. Nobody in their right fucking mind wants to touch the button without a label. No sir. DO NOT TOUCH? That thing is just asking for it.
DO NOT TOUCH. Who are they to tell us not to touch it. You ain't my Daddy!
And you touch it, and without fail, something happens that explains, why, the DO NOT TOUCH button is there. It could be minor. It could be major. But bet your ass you're gonna hear about it right away.
Years ago, in my drunken 20's--an extremely stupid period of my life--I was taking one of my friends to the ER because he was fighting another friend for reasons unknown or forgotten. One of them got the better of the other, gashed open a forehead, and someone needed to be stitched up. It was late, the service was glacial, and some of us got bored.
Then we found the loudspeaker for the entire ER. It said DO NOT TOUCH above it.
Well, you can imagine what happens next. I did a Cheech and Chong bit, someone else did his best Elvis. We laughed and sat down, and right after that, a couple of cops charged us and read us the riot act. We denied it all, which pissed them off even more. They screamed that one more fuck up and we'd all be on the wrong side of their Billy clubs.
All because we pushed the DO NOT PUSH button.
All I'm saying, is if you touch the DO NOT TOUCH button, have a back up plan, fast running shoes, or a damn good lawyer. You will surely need one of them.
*Never pick up a furious toddler while he is facing you.
This starts out kind of funny, seeing the little guy throw his fit, but you end it by picking him up facing you. Well, this never ends properly.
Those tiny little toddler shoes pack quite a punch at full rage. Of course, you're not thinking about any of this--the first time--you're try to quiet an upset kid. And since you were never much of an athlete growing up, you had no need for a protective cup. Only jocks need those stupid things, right?
And then it happens. Out of nowhere, those little sneakers drive their full force in your exposed crotch. The surprise drowns out in the shock and awe of having a testicle smashed buy an angry size two. Sure it doesn't sound like much.
Ask any man; it is.
Lying on the ground, your only comforting thought is that someday, your son will one day have his own kid, and exact this same fury upon him.
*Never order anything directly from the TV, particularly late at night.
Nothing good can come from a credit card, late night TV and a terminal case of boredom. Add a little alcohol to the mix and you have yourself a certified disaster. I mean, do you really need to cut through your phone books with a handful of Ginsu knifes? No, you do not.
Having a Mr. Microphone does NOT guarantee a career in show business. And when the kids get a hold of that cheap piece of Chinese plastic, well, you know someone is gonna get bonked in the head.
But Wait! There's More!! A money-back guarantee is not what it seems, in that, you will never again see your money. Unless you count garage sales as a return on your original investment. Don't be mad at the UPS man when he delivers Tony Little's new contraption, and tells you that the garage sale price is on the box.
"Call Now!!", because there is a limited supply of those Clappers and Soloflexes. I know, I know, that fucking light switch is a royal pain in your American ass. Clap-Clap to turn on the TV and VCR so you can put another Girls Gone Wild DVD in. This is the U S of A god dammit, and my stupidity can run circles around my credit limit.
So let those Duncan Yo-Yos stay on the screen, and keep your integrity so it can be used at The Golden Corral when you're going back for thirds.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Ads
How irritating is it that there is a Ann Coulter ad at the bottom of my page?
Do I get paid for that?
Do I get paid for that?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The OTHER Life Lessons
My friend Bree has been posting various life lessons on her Facebook and on her new blog. Her lessons are towards the deeper side of thought, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it got me thinking. The lessons I have learned tend to be more immediate. Like touching the stove or jamming a spoon into a light socket.
Now those are lessons learned. Quickly. So I suppose that is the difference between my lessons and Bree's. She calls hers a handbook and I call mine "Shit I Don't Want To Do Again!". So we are, obviously, on separate levels. And I figured that this is a better place to put my special 'lessons' than on her Facebook or blog.
Except for that one. Sorry.
Anyone who has comments or additions to this list, feel free to post. I'd hate to think there is some stupid thing I have forgotten, so please remind me.
+++++++++++++++++++==============--------------------////////////////////////////////////
*Never stick your hand into something unknown, that could POSSIBLY be hot.
I once drove a car down a mountain road and when we stopped at the bottom, I wondered how hot the front disc brake would be if I touched it. Turns out, it was real fucking hot. The blame for this clearly goes to my parents, who apparently dropped me on my head as an infant.
*After the 40TH birthday, all farts MUST be verified before release.
If you don't know, don't ask. At no point in my life before this did I ever think this issue would affect me. I believe this is one of the first signs that REALLY makes you believe your advancing age. Yikes!!!
*Never call a woman you intend to talk to again, a cunt.
Did I say never? Do you really want to see how red she can get?
*If someone tells me they are going to save me money, I'm about to get robbed.
*If your pet gets the dry heaves inside, you have 2.3 seconds to get that pet outside.
If you ignore this lesson, the pet will surely yak all over the floor. And past experience dictates that 2.3 seconds is a precise time. If it takes you 2.4 or 2.5 seconds, you will have dog or cat nasties on your arms and feet. And typically, this moment occurs at night, in a dark room. Well, you can imagine all of the injuries this might cause.
*Never pick your nose.
There is no such thing as a clever or stealth booger-picker. Simple rule of life: if you pick your nose, someone WILL see. Quit trying to game the system, Trekky. Technically, this is one of things that separates us from the apes. Don't Dig Douggie!!!
*Booze doesn't help you do anything better.
You think so, but it's only you. The story doesn't get any funnier just because you tell it again and again at louder and louder volumes. You aren't any braver drunk than you are sober. And know matter what you say out loud, you are not more honest. If you need booze to do something, you're not ready.
*You DON'T have enough gas to get to the next gas station.
Why, WHY do we try and convince ourselves otherwise? Am I the only one? You would think this would only happen to you once. You would be wrong. Again, this could be blamed on my parents, for dropping me on my head as an toddler, stunting my mental growth. This is simply a game of odds. How long HAS that yellow light been on? I can make it until the next... NO!! SHIT!!
*Don't be stupid: never fart on an empty elevator.
Hey Einstein, when the door opens, who do you THINK they're going to blame?
*When showering, never wash your butt before your face.
It's just logic, man.
*The Habanero peppers shall inherit the earth.
Out of sheer staying power! And they'll fuck you up without even eating them! True story: my brother, Chris, once cut up a batch of habaneros for some homemade hot salsa. He came into the room yelling, "Look what these things did to me!!". His eyes were nearly swollen shut. He looked like he went 12 rounds with the Heavyweight Champ. Just from touching his fingers to his face. And don't let anyone tell you how sweet they are. Sweet like your burning blood. Trust me fella, give these bastards a wide berth.
*If you believe anything a politician tells you, you should not vote for that person.
The very essence of politics says your success is dependent on others liking you. Well, we know what kind of head cases those folks are. Always telling us what we want to hear, promising us stuff and always looking for a handshake. A legitimate smile in politics is a rare thing indeed. In the end, it is a sign of the decline of Western civilization when the public emulates a politician.
*The only way to keep a secret is by telling no one.
Strange, then, that no one ever learned this particular lesson. It must be a bug upon humanity. What fun is a secret if we can't tell someone else? The only true secrets are forgotten immediately. Like shooting stars. If only this person who I tell doesn't say anything, then I can share this secret. But of course, it never happens that way, does it? Secrets will be revealed.
*Never take the rubber boot off the spark plug when the lawn mower is running.
File this one under the more 'immediate' lessons. I pulled that boot off that spark plug and started doing some funky chicken dance out there on the front grass. It was sort of like shooting yourself with a real primitive taser gun. It briefly felt like I was possessed by something, and not in a good way either. In my youth, this is my version of sticking the fork in the light socket. As I say, an immediate lesson learned.
to be continued...
Now those are lessons learned. Quickly. So I suppose that is the difference between my lessons and Bree's. She calls hers a handbook and I call mine "Shit I Don't Want To Do Again!". So we are, obviously, on separate levels. And I figured that this is a better place to put my special 'lessons' than on her Facebook or blog.
Except for that one. Sorry.
Anyone who has comments or additions to this list, feel free to post. I'd hate to think there is some stupid thing I have forgotten, so please remind me.
+++++++++++++++++++==============--------------------////////////////////////////////////
*Never stick your hand into something unknown, that could POSSIBLY be hot.
I once drove a car down a mountain road and when we stopped at the bottom, I wondered how hot the front disc brake would be if I touched it. Turns out, it was real fucking hot. The blame for this clearly goes to my parents, who apparently dropped me on my head as an infant.
*After the 40TH birthday, all farts MUST be verified before release.
If you don't know, don't ask. At no point in my life before this did I ever think this issue would affect me. I believe this is one of the first signs that REALLY makes you believe your advancing age. Yikes!!!
*Never call a woman you intend to talk to again, a cunt.
Did I say never? Do you really want to see how red she can get?
*If someone tells me they are going to save me money, I'm about to get robbed.
*If your pet gets the dry heaves inside, you have 2.3 seconds to get that pet outside.
If you ignore this lesson, the pet will surely yak all over the floor. And past experience dictates that 2.3 seconds is a precise time. If it takes you 2.4 or 2.5 seconds, you will have dog or cat nasties on your arms and feet. And typically, this moment occurs at night, in a dark room. Well, you can imagine all of the injuries this might cause.
*Never pick your nose.
There is no such thing as a clever or stealth booger-picker. Simple rule of life: if you pick your nose, someone WILL see. Quit trying to game the system, Trekky. Technically, this is one of things that separates us from the apes. Don't Dig Douggie!!!
*Booze doesn't help you do anything better.
You think so, but it's only you. The story doesn't get any funnier just because you tell it again and again at louder and louder volumes. You aren't any braver drunk than you are sober. And know matter what you say out loud, you are not more honest. If you need booze to do something, you're not ready.
*You DON'T have enough gas to get to the next gas station.
Why, WHY do we try and convince ourselves otherwise? Am I the only one? You would think this would only happen to you once. You would be wrong. Again, this could be blamed on my parents, for dropping me on my head as an toddler, stunting my mental growth. This is simply a game of odds. How long HAS that yellow light been on? I can make it until the next... NO!! SHIT!!
*Don't be stupid: never fart on an empty elevator.
Hey Einstein, when the door opens, who do you THINK they're going to blame?
*When showering, never wash your butt before your face.
It's just logic, man.
*The Habanero peppers shall inherit the earth.
Out of sheer staying power! And they'll fuck you up without even eating them! True story: my brother, Chris, once cut up a batch of habaneros for some homemade hot salsa. He came into the room yelling, "Look what these things did to me!!". His eyes were nearly swollen shut. He looked like he went 12 rounds with the Heavyweight Champ. Just from touching his fingers to his face. And don't let anyone tell you how sweet they are. Sweet like your burning blood. Trust me fella, give these bastards a wide berth.
*If you believe anything a politician tells you, you should not vote for that person.
The very essence of politics says your success is dependent on others liking you. Well, we know what kind of head cases those folks are. Always telling us what we want to hear, promising us stuff and always looking for a handshake. A legitimate smile in politics is a rare thing indeed. In the end, it is a sign of the decline of Western civilization when the public emulates a politician.
*The only way to keep a secret is by telling no one.
Strange, then, that no one ever learned this particular lesson. It must be a bug upon humanity. What fun is a secret if we can't tell someone else? The only true secrets are forgotten immediately. Like shooting stars. If only this person who I tell doesn't say anything, then I can share this secret. But of course, it never happens that way, does it? Secrets will be revealed.
*Never take the rubber boot off the spark plug when the lawn mower is running.
File this one under the more 'immediate' lessons. I pulled that boot off that spark plug and started doing some funky chicken dance out there on the front grass. It was sort of like shooting yourself with a real primitive taser gun. It briefly felt like I was possessed by something, and not in a good way either. In my youth, this is my version of sticking the fork in the light socket. As I say, an immediate lesson learned.
to be continued...
Be careful what you wish for.....
Well, tomorrow's the big day. America will be fixed, starting tomorrow. I don't know about you, but I am relieved. No longer will we have to worry about bloated government, huge deficits and a long line at the DMV. No, that's all over now.
Republicans got elected, and now they're chomping at the bit. Be proud American: this is your wish.
Now, conservatives will claim that they've earned political capital and will spend it with willful abandon. Unfortunately for them, they don't have the White House or the Senate, so the Republican House will effectively be an obstacle for the rest of the government. And that, probably, is the intended purpose.
But just in case anyone had ideas that the newly-elected members of Congress will be any different from veteran members, think again. McClatchy News has a report detailing a lavish fundraiser for over a dozen GOP freshmen held before they even took their seats. Tickets went for $2,500 a plate. With LeAnn Rimes, lobbyists and surely, pure intentions.
They got their government back, and just to show everyone how serious they were about fixing government, they ...held a fundraiser? At least they're not up for sale, huh?
The people that get Republicans elected are either the smartest people on Earth, or the American voting public is negligently ignorant. Or both.
In either case, it all starts tomorrow. It will definitely be entertaining. And it doesn't change a thing.
In the end, Congress in just a middle management position in the Corporation that controls it.
Republicans got elected, and now they're chomping at the bit. Be proud American: this is your wish.
Now, conservatives will claim that they've earned political capital and will spend it with willful abandon. Unfortunately for them, they don't have the White House or the Senate, so the Republican House will effectively be an obstacle for the rest of the government. And that, probably, is the intended purpose.
But just in case anyone had ideas that the newly-elected members of Congress will be any different from veteran members, think again. McClatchy News has a report detailing a lavish fundraiser for over a dozen GOP freshmen held before they even took their seats. Tickets went for $2,500 a plate. With LeAnn Rimes, lobbyists and surely, pure intentions.
They got their government back, and just to show everyone how serious they were about fixing government, they ...held a fundraiser? At least they're not up for sale, huh?
The people that get Republicans elected are either the smartest people on Earth, or the American voting public is negligently ignorant. Or both.
In either case, it all starts tomorrow. It will definitely be entertaining. And it doesn't change a thing.
In the end, Congress in just a middle management position in the Corporation that controls it.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tea Bag This!!
This is the kind of crap that drives me nuts. The race to the bottom ends in only one place: the bottom. How is this so hard to understand? I say fine, if you want to be a foreign company, then fine, go away. But we should have laws that make it impossible to be American, in any way, shape or form.
http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2010/11/bypassing-us-taxes/
http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2010/11/bypassing-us-taxes/
The Voters Have SPOKEN!!
Yeah, I suppose they have. But what did they say?
I think they said they are the most impatient people on earth.
They said Jobs! They said Debt! They said Pelosi! They said Birth Certificate!
Let's face it: in the age of the internet, we expect everything, right fucking NOW!
The mess this country is in is the result of thirty years of impatient voters. It took a while, but we finally hit the end-around.
We, the voters, of the voters, by the voters, for the voters, have created quite a fucking mess.
We demand satisfaction...YESTERDAY!!!
We may be speaking in tongues, but you politicians better understand......
Sound familiar? Of course not....
Even when we don't know what we want, we want that shit in our inbox.
So what do we want?
So what do we want?
So what do we want?
Exactly...
Tax cuts!!
That's it!
Sure, the Tea Baggers talk about exploding deficits and China and Japan owning us, but that is very old news. Tea Baggers never gave a shit about exploding deficits when GWB was president, did they?
The Tea Baggers talk about illegal--ILLEGAL-- immigration, but history has shown us that conservatives have the most to gain from cheap immigrant labor. Business benefits when cheap labor is used. Can anyone say outsourcing?
Can Tea Baggers? Apparently not.
So that leaves us with tax cuts. And we will conveniently ignore the fact that tax cuts blow up the deficit, even if the Tea Baggers can't. Let's play best case scenario, and pretend that tax cuts pay for themselves--HE HE--and lets pretend to feign sympathy for those poor, rich billionaires. That extra three percent federal tax is going to put them in the poor house.
Please, you Tea baggers, pause and think of the billionaires, and their plight. They used to have fifteen billion in the bank, but now the poor bugger only has fourteen billion, five hundred fifty million. Those poor, poor Americans. Shit, now there's no money to provide jobs for Tea Baggers.
Thank God the elections cleared a path for the rich. Hey, the rest of us may wallow and pant, but at least we have a Dream Team of Americans that can relocate their factories overseas, and fleece the world with their financial schemes. So what if those Tea Bagger's pensions wash down the drain. This election was about principles, Goddammit!!
Well, at the end of the day, apparently, the Republicans have two years to clean up this mess and give every able-bodied American a high paying job, with ultra low taxes, AND eliminate the deficit. Also, they must make sure every American has health care and make sure John Boehner keeps his tan and a full pack of smokes.
Two years. That's it. If they can't accomplish all of this in two years, well, then they must admit defeat, and promise President Obama that they will go back to their respective law firms and work pro bono.
As far as the Tea Baggers go, they must head to India, Vietnam, and China and make widgets for 65 cents an hour, sixteen hours a day, if their Republican martyrs fail in their duties. At least then, they will live the true, American dream.
I think they said they are the most impatient people on earth.
They said Jobs! They said Debt! They said Pelosi! They said Birth Certificate!
Let's face it: in the age of the internet, we expect everything, right fucking NOW!
The mess this country is in is the result of thirty years of impatient voters. It took a while, but we finally hit the end-around.
We, the voters, of the voters, by the voters, for the voters, have created quite a fucking mess.
We demand satisfaction...YESTERDAY!!!
We may be speaking in tongues, but you politicians better understand......
Sound familiar? Of course not....
Even when we don't know what we want, we want that shit in our inbox.
So what do we want?
So what do we want?
So what do we want?
Exactly...
Tax cuts!!
That's it!
Sure, the Tea Baggers talk about exploding deficits and China and Japan owning us, but that is very old news. Tea Baggers never gave a shit about exploding deficits when GWB was president, did they?
The Tea Baggers talk about illegal--ILLEGAL-- immigration, but history has shown us that conservatives have the most to gain from cheap immigrant labor. Business benefits when cheap labor is used. Can anyone say outsourcing?
Can Tea Baggers? Apparently not.
So that leaves us with tax cuts. And we will conveniently ignore the fact that tax cuts blow up the deficit, even if the Tea Baggers can't. Let's play best case scenario, and pretend that tax cuts pay for themselves--HE HE--and lets pretend to feign sympathy for those poor, rich billionaires. That extra three percent federal tax is going to put them in the poor house.
Please, you Tea baggers, pause and think of the billionaires, and their plight. They used to have fifteen billion in the bank, but now the poor bugger only has fourteen billion, five hundred fifty million. Those poor, poor Americans. Shit, now there's no money to provide jobs for Tea Baggers.
Thank God the elections cleared a path for the rich. Hey, the rest of us may wallow and pant, but at least we have a Dream Team of Americans that can relocate their factories overseas, and fleece the world with their financial schemes. So what if those Tea Bagger's pensions wash down the drain. This election was about principles, Goddammit!!
Well, at the end of the day, apparently, the Republicans have two years to clean up this mess and give every able-bodied American a high paying job, with ultra low taxes, AND eliminate the deficit. Also, they must make sure every American has health care and make sure John Boehner keeps his tan and a full pack of smokes.
Two years. That's it. If they can't accomplish all of this in two years, well, then they must admit defeat, and promise President Obama that they will go back to their respective law firms and work pro bono.
As far as the Tea Baggers go, they must head to India, Vietnam, and China and make widgets for 65 cents an hour, sixteen hours a day, if their Republican martyrs fail in their duties. At least then, they will live the true, American dream.
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