My friend Bree has been posting various life lessons on her Facebook and on her new blog. Her lessons are towards the deeper side of thought, and there is nothing wrong with that. But it got me thinking. The lessons I have learned tend to be more immediate. Like touching the stove or jamming a spoon into a light socket.
Now those are lessons learned. Quickly. So I suppose that is the difference between my lessons and Bree's. She calls hers a handbook and I call mine "Shit I Don't Want To Do Again!". So we are, obviously, on separate levels. And I figured that this is a better place to put my special 'lessons' than on her Facebook or blog.
Except for that one. Sorry.
Anyone who has comments or additions to this list, feel free to post. I'd hate to think there is some stupid thing I have forgotten, so please remind me.
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*Never stick your hand into something unknown, that could POSSIBLY be hot.
I once drove a car down a mountain road and when we stopped at the bottom, I wondered how hot the front disc brake would be if I touched it. Turns out, it was real fucking hot. The blame for this clearly goes to my parents, who apparently dropped me on my head as an infant.
*After the 40TH birthday, all farts MUST be verified before release.
If you don't know, don't ask. At no point in my life before this did I ever think this issue would affect me. I believe this is one of the first signs that REALLY makes you believe your advancing age. Yikes!!!
*Never call a woman you intend to talk to again, a cunt.
Did I say never? Do you really want to see how red she can get?
*If someone tells me they are going to save me money, I'm about to get robbed.
*If your pet gets the dry heaves inside, you have 2.3 seconds to get that pet outside.
If you ignore this lesson, the pet will surely yak all over the floor. And past experience dictates that 2.3 seconds is a precise time. If it takes you 2.4 or 2.5 seconds, you will have dog or cat nasties on your arms and feet. And typically, this moment occurs at night, in a dark room. Well, you can imagine all of the injuries this might cause.
*Never pick your nose.
There is no such thing as a clever or stealth booger-picker. Simple rule of life: if you pick your nose, someone WILL see. Quit trying to game the system, Trekky. Technically, this is one of things that separates us from the apes. Don't Dig Douggie!!!
*Booze doesn't help you do anything better.
You think so, but it's only you. The story doesn't get any funnier just because you tell it again and again at louder and louder volumes. You aren't any braver drunk than you are sober. And know matter what you say out loud, you are not more honest. If you need booze to do something, you're not ready.
*You DON'T have enough gas to get to the next gas station.
Why, WHY do we try and convince ourselves otherwise? Am I the only one? You would think this would only happen to you once. You would be wrong. Again, this could be blamed on my parents, for dropping me on my head as an toddler, stunting my mental growth. This is simply a game of odds. How long HAS that yellow light been on? I can make it until the next... NO!! SHIT!!
*Don't be stupid: never fart on an empty elevator.
Hey Einstein, when the door opens, who do you THINK they're going to blame?
*When showering, never wash your butt before your face.
It's just logic, man.
*The Habanero peppers shall inherit the earth.
Out of sheer staying power! And they'll fuck you up without even eating them! True story: my brother, Chris, once cut up a batch of habaneros for some homemade hot salsa. He came into the room yelling, "Look what these things did to me!!". His eyes were nearly swollen shut. He looked like he went 12 rounds with the Heavyweight Champ. Just from touching his fingers to his face. And don't let anyone tell you how sweet they are. Sweet like your burning blood. Trust me fella, give these bastards a wide berth.
*If you believe anything a politician tells you, you should not vote for that person.
The very essence of politics says your success is dependent on others liking you. Well, we know what kind of head cases those folks are. Always telling us what we want to hear, promising us stuff and always looking for a handshake. A legitimate smile in politics is a rare thing indeed. In the end, it is a sign of the decline of Western civilization when the public emulates a politician.
*The only way to keep a secret is by telling no one.
Strange, then, that no one ever learned this particular lesson. It must be a bug upon humanity. What fun is a secret if we can't tell someone else? The only true secrets are forgotten immediately. Like shooting stars. If only this person who I tell doesn't say anything, then I can share this secret. But of course, it never happens that way, does it? Secrets will be revealed.
*Never take the rubber boot off the spark plug when the lawn mower is running.
File this one under the more 'immediate' lessons. I pulled that boot off that spark plug and started doing some funky chicken dance out there on the front grass. It was sort of like shooting yourself with a real primitive taser gun. It briefly felt like I was possessed by something, and not in a good way either. In my youth, this is my version of sticking the fork in the light socket. As I say, an immediate lesson learned.
to be continued...
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